Foreplay: Unlearn How To Make Love

Foreplay: Unlearn How To Make Love

            Think back to when you and your partner first started to be intimate.  Maybe things were hot and heavy, a spike of intensity that resulted in a sweaty blob of body parts.  Or you slowly and deliberately pleasured one another like explorers on a journey of discovery. 

            The beginning of a relationship is filled with learning about your partner, yet neither one of you is a blank slate; people arrive with things they learned from the last romances.  (I always wonder how many previous girlfriends it took to train my man to put the toilet seat down.)  And when it comes to sex, is your partner just doing what made his last girlfriend moan?

            It’s really not his fault.  We’re all susceptible to being conditioned, and it happens in all contexts.  Let’s say the bank teller on Mondays is friendly and always smiles at you, and the teller on Fridays is more shy.  Without consciously deciding to, you’ll probably go to the bank more on Mondays.  We repeat behaviors that are rewarded with positive feedback, and the stronger the better.    

            Now think about the changes over time as your relationship has unfolded.  Most of us complain that we spend less time having sex because of our busy schedules.  But I propose that we’ve gotten so good at it, that things simply are more efficient! 

            So the next time you find yourself going right for his sweet spots (and vice versa), take a little detour.  Here are some tips on how to unlearn how to make love:


1. Replace previously learned behaviors.  Share with your partner what you like.  And challenge him to get creative; discover things together that even you didn’t know you like. 


2. Extend foreplay, even when you’re not receiving the most intense feedback.  Do a full range of the things he likes.


3.  Think outside the box.  If you freshen up by yourself before and after sex, try sharing that experience with your partner.  Gently cleansing each other’s bodies can heighten anticipation and arousal.  It can also deepen intimacy after love-making.   



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